A Letter To My Daughter

Dear Sylvia, I cannot believe how fast your growing. It seems like only a moment ago that I held you in my arms for the first time. Life has never been easy for us. Becoming a Mother has been a challenge. You are my miracle child. Β When I was only 16 I was told by doctors I would never have a child but 10 years later my desire to become a mother lead me to get fertility treatment. I wanted you more than words can describe.

The pregnancy was not easy. I was very unwell. At 20 weeks pregnant someone crashed into the family car. I was taken to hospital and was bleeding. I was told there was a chance I may have lost the baby, you my miracle child. I remember going down for a scan fearing the worst and the relief I felt to know you were still there.

The pregnancy became difficult. I developed gestational diabetes and then Cholostasis in pregnancy. I was warned there was a chance of still birth and spent many weeks in hospital before the doctors decided to induce an early labour.

The labour took three days. You finally arrived. You had sugar issues and jaundice but we got through. The labour process however gave me permanent brain damage. My pituitary gland was damaged. It’s called Sheehan’s disease. This started a process of failing endocrine function for my adrenals and other important hormones.

I held on and did my best as your Mother. I tried to breast feed but the damage to my pituitary meant no milk production and it broke my heart to be unable to feed you. Having a bottle was not that bad. You loved your feeds and slept soundly through the night. You were a fantastic baby.

At six months of age, I decided to leave your father. There was abuse in the home and I had to protect you. I had to keep us both safe physically and emotionally and so I did what any loving Mother could. I left the man I loved and started a life just me and you. We moved from Hamilton New Zealand to Auckland City. I did my best to keep us safe. I fought in the courts for you, got custody and a protection order. You became my sole responsibility and we moved home to England.

We settled in West Yorkshire and life was great until Family Services came knocking at the door. At 4 years old our little family was torn apart. I was wrongly accused of spending time in a psychiatric hospital overseas. I was accused of many terrible things which were false and untrue and you were placed in Foster care for 9 months.

I found myself in the Leeds Court fighting for you once more. I had to prove the errors and lies and as heartbreaking as it was I fought hard and we won. Family Services realised their social worker had lied and created untrue stories. You were returned home and we worked hard to rebuild what had been torn apart. There was a government investigation and we received an apology and compensation.

In 2013 Mummy got married. You were blessed with an amazing step father and we moved to Lancashire as a family. By this time my adrenal glands had failed completely and I ended up very unwell. It took three years of tests, procedures and 22 adrenal crisis to get the medication I needed to manage the damage to my pituitary. Pituitary damage lead to adrenal Insufficiency and Growth hormone deficiency.

I now have a 24 hour adrenal pump and daily human growth hormone injections. I get replacement therapy for the endocrine hormones my body does not produce. I fought for my treatment and have to pay every month. It’a a real cost for the family. The NHS wont fund my adrenal pump supplies, they won’t accept my health has improved. Well, the doctors will but not the people in charge of the money strings.

I still suffer from chronic fatigue and still have issues with Iron, B12, Zinc and other vitamin levels. However my adrenal health is stable and I no longer go into hospital for weeks at a time. I am able to be home with you and although I am not and can’t be the mum I wanted to be or dream of being, I do my best.

I love you and the fight goes on. I will continue to battle through the health system to stay well and do my best to give you the life you deserve. I am a good Mother. I always have been. I have always loved you and I always will.

You are my world and everything I do in this life is for you. I look forward to seeing you grow and hope this coming year is a wonderful time for you.

Love Mummy.

 

 

90 Comments

  1. That’s a beautiful letter to your daughter who you obviously fought very hard to have and also to protect and keep. I’m sorry you both have been through such a rollercoaster and I wish you better health and smooth sailing from here xx

    1. Thankyou. It has been a roller coaster but in the end we still have each other and i’m so blessed.

  2. What a beatiful letter to your Daughter, and shows that no matter what life has thrown at you, you have fought and won and have such an amazing bond. I really hope you both now have a smoother journey. There really is no bond like and mother and her child x

    1. Thanks. It’s true. You can go through a lot in life and it either makes you stronger or breaks you. These experiences have made my bond with my daughter very strong.

  3. This is beautiful. It will be nice to look back on this and for her to read when she is an adult herself. I know they grow up so fast and it is a crazy ride we take as parents.

  4. Love the tiara and the pictures are great! Great to hear that your health has improved. Hoping that both of you continue to smile like this together.

  5. Aw…what a super sweet letter to your daughter! You clearly have been through some medical challenges in regards to bringing her into the world, but keep showing strength and positive ways to get through any of it! Hugs to you!

  6. Sounds like you have been through such a struggle. But you have an amazing daughter and you are an amazing mum.

  7. I’ve been thinking of doing something like this! Heartfelt posts are always the best!

  8. It breaks my heart how much you have been through and saddens me that the government are not doing another to offer you more to improve your health. Keep battling though, look how far you have come. Sylvia must be so proud to call you her mum x

    1. Thanks Ana. It is tough and I hope I can keep fighting for the treatment I need under the NHS. It is tough when there are so many sick people out there.

  9. This is beautifully written, I have just had my second son so I can draw so much from this. There is really is no love like it and it can be so overwhelming. I wish you all the best x

  10. Aren’t children such a blessing? I thought I would never have any but surprise…I was blessed with two boys!

  11. This is beautiful! She is a beautiful little girl. I’d love to write letters to my kids someday to give to them when they are older.

  12. What a beautiful letter.. This made me cry. I can feel that you’re getting stronger and better because of your daughter. YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sending lots of love.. from Philippines!

  13. What an amazing, difficult, inspiring story you and your daughter share! I wish you all the luck in the future, and a continued wonderful relationship with your daughter.

  14. such a beautiful letter! It’s horrifying that you have been through so much, I cannot imagine what I would do if my son was taken from me because of someone’s lies! I don’t know how you have remained so strong through it all!

  15. That is such a heartbreaking but beautiful letter. Your daughter is going to be a very strong girl and she will have you to thank for that. Xxxx

  16. very heartfelt and true. You’ve come so far as a family and I have nothing but well wishes for you two. I hope you guys live a happy life full of love from now on. Keep being strong.

  17. This is such a beautiful letter. Pregnancy can be so tough, can’t it. But just seeing them smile makes it all worth it.

  18. Whoah. This post literally made me cry. A beautiful letter to your daughter, yet a sad and poignant one listing all the trials you have both faced.
    However, you have faced them and beaten the worst of them. You can see by your photographs how close a relationship you have, and clearly you will fight like a lioness to protect your daughter,
    I wish you both well xxx

  19. One never knows what goes on in other people’s lives, and it’s so beautiful that you decided to write this letter to Sylvia, and allowed us to have a peek into your life and hardships. I am certain you are a wonderful mother as Sylvia always looks so happy in the photos you share with us. Good for you for fighting the good fight! x

  20. One of my nanny children has recently got into Spiderman. I bet he would like the Spider-Man Rapid Reload Blaster – it looks like lots of fun

  21. Such a lot of heartache Angela, some really tough stuff there. I’ve said it before though, seeing you guys together is just beautiful, and I have read some wonderful things that you do together. I do hope that although things are so hard, and you face big struggles, that the wonderful life with your daughter continues to give you hope, love and courage to stay strong.

  22. What a lovely letter to your daughter and you’ve been through so much but it makes you and her stronger. You’ve doing a lovely job and she is beautiful. The backpack is also great πŸ™‚

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