My First Divorce The Raw Truth

My First Divorce The Raw Truth

Something I’ve never written about before is the pain of divorce. I have been divorced not once but twice. I have been there and worn the shirt and it’s certainly not an easy thing to go through.

divorce

 

I first married when I was 20 years old. I was young and in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with a certain man. We married and planned to have a family but things did not work out the way I had hoped.

As the days and weeks went by, my marriage became a marriage of abuse and neglect. I don’t know how I managed to get through the turmoil but I did. I used distraction techniques and put all my efforts and thoughts into my University education. University and studying was my escape. I studied hard, got good grades and kept telling myself, “If he does not change and stop treating me this way, I will leave”.

However leaving someone you love is not an easy thing. Leaving an abuser is particularly hard. You see there is the nasty cycle to abuse and it has a habit of sucking you back in when you are most vulnerable. This is how it works. You are abused, you become upset, hurt and confused. You separate or have time out, feel real pain, hurt and sadness. You barter with yourself. Plead for the abuser to change. After all you love him or her and all you want is to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

When your abused deep down you know it is best to leave and stay apart but then the abuser comes crawling back. The abuser says sorry, they promise not to hurt you again. You enter a “Honeymoon” phase, they woo you, treat you amazing, make up for what they had done. Your treated the way you should be and hope that the relationship has truly become what you want it to be. Things go smooth and then it starts all over again.

Well this is what happened to me and I tried and tried to make something which was not going to work to work. I pleaded and begged my husband at the time to change but he would not. I experienced a lot of suffering in my early twenties at the hand of this man, the man I had given my heart to and I still remember the terrible things he did to me.

My x husband was popular. To his friends he was a fantastic person and he did have many good qualities, but that does not take away the fact he abused me. He destroyed my soul with the things he said, the names he called me and the actions he took. The abuse I suffered really impacted upon my life. It destroyed my confidence and self-worth. I became weak and felt worthless. I believed the lies he told me, that I looked like a bulldog and that no one could ever love me, not even my own family.

Well, I don’t know how it happened but I got to a point where I began hating my abuser. I would dream and fantasise ways to leave him, ways to escape and be free yet each time I tried I would allow him back into my life. Friends and family and those who were not abused could not understand, but it’s the cycle of abuse and the fact I had been worn down into a shell of a person, desperate to be treated right.

At age 22 I made the brave decision to leave my husband for good. I was not sure if I could do it. I had tried so many times and allowed him back. I loved him but he was destroying me. I knew I would come under a lot of judgement. I knew it would be heartbreaking and lonely and I deep down I just wanted him to change but this was not going to happen.

The week before my exams, the week before I completed my Bachelors Degree in English and Education, I told my husband It was over. I’d said this so many times before but this time I really did mean it. Of course he was happy to split. He thought he’d be back in a week or two and all would be back to normal but it was not to be.

I had a credit card and booked my husband a holiday to Australia. He said he would let me leave if I paid for him to go see his friends. Of course he was using me and expected to get a free holiday and then come back but it was money I was willing to pay.

We went to the mall and I bought my husband a ticket to Australia. The next day, he said goodbye. He dropped me off at my parents and said goodbye. I collapsed outside on the doorstep of my Mothers home. The experience was simply too much for me. I went and laid in my brother’s bedroom and cried. I cried and cried and then my cell phone rang. I did not answer it, he left a voice message. My husband said “sorry for everything I did to you. I still love you”. This broke me even more.

I broke down again, it was so hard, my heart just wanted to be with the man I loved but my head told me I had to get away. This was my one chance. While my husband was away I packed up the house. I gave all my husband’s belongings to his parents and emptied our family home. I moved away. I moved to the North Shore and went to live with a friend who’s mother had died of cancer. She was the same age as me, 22 and had younger siblings she was now raising on her own.

When my husband came back from Australia he wanted me back. He rang and begged and used every trick in the book to try and get me back. He had my cell phone number and messaged me constantly. I did not tell him where I was. I cried each night, my heart ached but I decided to do what I needed to do. I wrote a quote on the wall, “To thine own self be true”. I read that quote everyday and in my moments of weakness stayed strong.

I walked each day as I was an emotional mess. It was my way of coping and processing what I was going through. I started working as an English teacher at an Asian Language school. I lost weight and each day battled through the emotional turmoil I was feeling.

My husband tried so many times to get me to return. It was all via the cell phone. I should have changed my number but I guess it was the last thing connecting us. He messaged me. He wanted his gun back. He owned a gun and demanded I return it to him. I had not known what to do with the gun and had not given it to his parents, so I placed it in my bag and agreed to meet.

I met my husband and gave back his gun. When I saw him for the first time in a month, I felt disgusted. I felt scared and I could not stand the sight of him. I still loved the man but I also hated him for all he had done to me. He then said to me, “I should have given you more sex”. I was disgusted and angry. Who did he think he was? After all he did, that’s what was on his mind. I was not going to be his anymore and he was not going to have his way.

I left and walked away. My heart was torn and I never went back. Leaving this man was one of the best decisions I ever made. My life was torn and I had a lot of healing to do. I was judged. My husband told all our friends I had had an affair. It was not true but people chose to believe this. I lost a lot of friends and my life changed. My heart was torn and I was lonely but I made the right decision.

At age 22 I was divorced. Who would have guessed. How could something which started so beautiful turn so ugly? It did and to this day some people still don’t know the truth. They don’t know the suffering I faced. They have no idea what this man did to me, how he was destroying my very soul with his words and violence. I have always kept a journal and sometimes I read the accounts of abuse I recorded and I always feel the same, great relief that I am no longer connected to that man, the man who often haunts my dreams and plagues me in my sleep.

This is my truth and I plan to share more in the future. I don’t really care what people think. I know what I experienced and I plan to share more in the future, to speak out because if this helps just one person then I will have achieved my purpose.

Angela x
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38 Comments

  1. October 19, 2016 / 1:18 am

    I am so proud of you for getting out of that relationship. I was abused by my first husband, and the best decision I made was leaving him and never looking back. I hope your story helps someone. Thanks for sharing

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 1:34 am

      Thanks Tasheena. It was a great decision and although it was over 11 years ago, I’m glad I did that!

  2. October 19, 2016 / 1:23 am

    I hope that one day, you will be free of the dreams and sleep as well!

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 1:33 am

      I’m sure I will one day! 🙂 Thanks

  3. October 19, 2016 / 2:13 am

    I think it’s important to speak out. You never know your experience will help others, after all.

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:00 am

      Thanks. I hope this does help someone else and if it does it will have been worth writing.

  4. October 19, 2016 / 8:39 am

    You made the right decision. The abuser never stops abusing. It must have been hell. Sending you virtual hugs.

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:03 am

      Thanks Stella. I sure did make a good choice! So glad too!

  5. October 19, 2016 / 9:31 am

    So courageous to share this story. I haven’t been through divorce, I have been through bad break ups but can’t imagine what you’ve been through. Stay strong x

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:04 am

      Thanks Miss Pond. it was tough but I’ve learnt a lot from it and its 11 years ago so I can deal with it better now. It’s not so raw.

  6. October 19, 2016 / 11:03 am

    Such a brave post to write, but then again you were so brave to get out when you did.

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:07 am

      Thanks 🙂 I was brave back then and glad I was.

  7. Jess C
    October 19, 2016 / 5:51 pm

    Wow, thank you so much for sharing. You are so brave! Lucky you made that decision as your life could have looked very different!

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 7:03 pm

      Thanks. I’m glad I did make that choice. My life would have been misery otherwise.

  8. October 19, 2016 / 11:19 pm

    It was brave of you to share your story Angela. It’s not easy to tell the world what happened to you. I hope it felt liberating and good on your part. I wish you the best. I’m glad you’re now out of the cycle of violence. 🙂

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:32 pm

      Thanks Channel. I think it is important to share and I want to raise awareness and hopefully help someone else in the process.

  9. October 19, 2016 / 11:26 pm

    You are a great woman!! This should be a really difficult desicion and you were so brave.

    • Angela
      October 19, 2016 / 11:31 pm

      Oh thanks so much Melanie. It is a hard thing to do- so very hard.

  10. October 20, 2016 / 9:05 am

    Divorce sounds awefull. Thanks so much for this post. It’s so honest and open. Very nice!

    • Angela
      October 20, 2016 / 11:39 am

      it was tough at the time but the best thing I did!

  11. victoria
    October 20, 2016 / 4:31 pm

    You are really brave to share this with us. Your decision is right virtual (hugs)

    • Angela
      October 20, 2016 / 6:00 pm

      Thanks Victoria.

  12. October 20, 2016 / 11:25 pm

    Wow what a touching & heart felt story. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your journey with us. I hope that this will be an eye opener for other woman who suffer from abuse & that it’s ok to stand up.

    • Angela
      October 20, 2016 / 11:32 pm

      Thanks I hope this can help someone else.

  13. October 21, 2016 / 9:31 am

    You are definitely a strong person. It’s such an inspiring story. No one should have to experience any of that. I hope you’re in a much better place in life now.

    • Angela
      October 21, 2016 / 12:55 pm

      Thanks Brandi

  14. October 22, 2016 / 2:42 pm

    You are such an amazing, strong person! Well done for sharing….It is such a brave post to write.

    • Angela
      October 26, 2016 / 9:12 pm

      Thankyou

  15. Christina Aliperti
    October 26, 2016 / 11:53 pm

    Although it’s a hard decision to make, you know when it’s time. You know that you are doing the right thing and that gives you the strength to get through it. I have been there too.

    • Angela
      October 27, 2016 / 1:21 am

      Thanks Christina. Sometimes we have to make the right choice.

  16. January 5, 2017 / 1:34 pm

    Oh gosh, what a horrible thing to have to go through. My heart aches for you. I am currently trying to support a friend who is going through something similar and, after 8 months being strong and not letting him back in, they got back together just before Christmas. I am just trying to be there for her and will help her pick up the pieces when it happens again (as you say – it’s a cycle).

    I think you are so very, very brave. It must’ve been so difficult to write all of this down, but I’m sure that your honesty will help other people in this situation too. Let people believe what they want to believe – you know that you made the right decision. #BrillBlogPosts

    • Angela
      January 5, 2017 / 11:42 pm

      To be honest It is a cycle and so so hard to break and many do not….Many return over and over. I am writing a series to tr and help women stuck in this cycle in the hope it can help. 🙂

  17. January 5, 2017 / 8:02 pm

    I truly admire your bravery. #brilliantblogposts

    • Angela
      January 5, 2017 / 11:38 pm

      Oh thanks Chloe. I think it’s important to speak out about these things.

  18. January 5, 2017 / 9:26 pm

    Gosh I am so, so sorry for everything you went through and so relieved you escaped him, lots of love x

    • Angela
      January 5, 2017 / 11:36 pm

      I’m glad I had the strength to leave.

  19. January 6, 2017 / 1:58 pm

    You are so brave to have overcome this tough time in your life and then to write about it so openly and help others who may be going through the same or similar. Very inspiring!xx #brilliantblogposts

    • Angela
      January 6, 2017 / 6:40 pm

      Tanks Lucy. I hope this does help just one person in a similar situation to do the same thing.

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