Feeling Scared And Worried I Don’t Want to Fail
Well It’s been 5 and a half months since my gastric bypass and as much as it’s been a long road and I should be feeling more confident and happy I am actually feeling scared and worried.
Before having bariatric surgery I learnt all I could about the procedure and learnt how I would not be able to eat food with sugar again. I would not be able to eat chocolate and most certainly bread and pasta. I believed this. I was told I’d have dumping syndrome and not be able to eat certain foods. However for me this is not the case.
I can eat these foods. I can eat anything I ate before the procedure and although I was told the surgery is a tool to help with weight loss. It’s not much of a tool in regards to stopping me from placing bad food into my mouth. That’s something I have to do just like anyone else bypass or no bypass.
The thing that has worked is that I can only eat small amounts per meal. Yet I have noticed and seen others with the same procedure sharing photos of their meals which appear to be much smaller than what I have. I’m worried my pouch has stretched.
In my mind I am worried. What if the bypass has stopped working for me. I’ve hardly lost weight in 4 weeks and when I rang the dietician she said I should still be losing if I stick to the 1200 calories a day. I am sticking to that but I’m not losing.
Yes I’m on steroids and maybe that is playing a factor? I do not know why but I’m struggling to lose as I am expected to.
I clearly don’t do the same exercise others do either so maybe thats part of the reason why. However I am afraid and scared. I’m scared I wont lose any more. I’m scared I wont ever get to a healthy weight.
I was thinking about it a few days ago and thought, what if this is it? What if this is all I am going to lose. I’m now down to a size 20 which is much better than where I was before but I’d love to lose some more weight. I still have a goal to reach 15 stone for my birthday and this week I appear to have gained a pound.
I am not stuffing my face each day with chocolate or crisps. I never have done. However I am feeling hungry a lot. There are some foods I am never going to eat again- like takeaways such as MacDonalds. The smell of burgers and fast food is really gross to me now.
I do however still have a sweet tooth and I’ll have to be careful not to eat anything “too high in sugar” or “high in fat”. It’s really not easy but I need to keep at it. I’m scared of giving in and eating what I please. I could easily do that now..but I don’t want to.
It’s an emotional and mental battle. I need to keep fighting.
I really do want to join something like Weight Watchers. That could really help me. I feel like I’m no longer a bypass patient. I feel normal again in terms of food I can put in my mouth and so now I have to make these good choices.
I did make good choices for 18 months before my operation and after the first 4-5 months my weight loss stopped. I don’t want that to be the case again.
I guess it’s normal to be afraid of failing. I don’t want to fail. I want my weight loss to be a success but I am scared and I am afraid and will just have to take things one day at a time.
At least I’m being honest with myself and in how I feel. I will just have to see how things go.
Read more about my Gastric Bypass Journey in my Gastric Bypass Category. You can read about My Adrenal Health in The Adrenal Diaries.