Don’t Put The Blame On Me, Affairs, Lies And Abuse
Today I wanted to speak about something which has been bothering me a little, well a lot actually. As some may or may not know, I left an abusive relationship when Sylvia was only a few months old. I raised my daughter as a single mother until she was 5 when John and I married and he has done a smashing job as Sylvia’s step father.
Well today I wan’t to talk a little about emotional abuse, power and control and the subject of blame. Back when I was in an abusive relationship, it did not matter what I did, I was to blame. Honestly an abusive person will often try to minimise their actions by placing blame on the innocent victim. I’ve written a whole book/ blog series on the topic of abuse so if your interested in learning more you can visit my Leave Abuse Today category.
So… for me I was often blamed for my husband’s (now x husband’s behaviour). For example, cheating. When my then husband told me he had slept with another woman. He blamed me. He told me if I wasn’t so fat, he would not have needed to cheat. This was and is of course a load of crap.
If your in a loving marriage you don’t cheat end of.
If you are unfaithful, it’s down to the person who chooses to be. You are to blame for your own actions. My weight had nothing to do with the fact he wanted to have sex with another woman yet he tried to put the blame on me.
I WONT ACCEPT THE BLAME!
Another way in which I was blamed during my previous marriage was when my Mother In Law could not get her way. She would ask for money, lots of it and expect me to put her needs before those of me and my child. I wasn’t going to not buy nappies, to pay for this woman to have her hair cut. I was not going to give my cash for baby formula to a woman who wanted to buy crab sticks and fancy food from the store. I said no.
However when I said no and refused to give my money to my x mother in law I was met with abuse. I was the devils whore. I was an evil wife who was not a virgin when I married my husband. This made me wicked! If I did not do what I was told when it came to money, I was a bad person and not worth loving. My x husband often agreed with his mother. When she sulked in the shopping centre or threatened to go lie in the road if I did not do as she pleased, it was all my fault!
Or so I was told.
The truth is this woman was trying to manipulate me and yes, I was again to Blame.
You know what!
I WONT ACCEPT THE BLAME!
Now I had put this to rest and have overcome this blaming and manipulation. It’s been almost 9 years now and I came through the other side but yesterday these emotions and memories were triggered and it made me mad. My x husband contacted me saying I had ruined his life. Yes once again he was blaming me. The thing is, although he does not talk to my daughter, nor support her financially in any way whatsoever he does have email access.
So what happened? How did I supposedly ruin his life this week? Well after my marriage failed and I moved to the UK, my x husband met another woman. He got engaged, moved in together and had a child. The only thing is he forgot to tell this woman he had been married before. He did not tell her he had a daughter nor did he tell her that we had taken a protection order out to keep him away.
So when the truth was discovered, it was my fault. It was all my fault. I should have kept my mouth shut. When I was contacted and asked about the past relationship, I supposedly should have denied it or lied or not said anything but I told the truth. I said the marriage failed. I said yes he was her father and yes he had never paid a penny of child support and yes I said we had a protection order in place. I wasn’t about to lie.
I’m not sure what went on but my X ended up single again. He had chosen to not tell the truth and it ultimately lead to the failure of his second relationship. Was that my fault? No!
Yet yesterday when a third relationship failed (due to abuse) I am contacted and blamed. Yes I live in the UK and am living my life hear. I am happy with John and Sylvia, yet someone on the other side of the world tries to blame me for their failed relationships. It’s apparently all my fault because I share a child with this man?
I really don’t give a dam. I suffered, I grew, I learnt and I now understand and can recognise abuse a mile away.
I don’t care what he says, I am not to blame.
I’ll be honest and if I’m asked I’ll tell the truth. I won’t ever try to interfere. That is not something I’m interested in, however I am not going to sit back and be blamed for someone else’s actions.
People need to accept responsibility for their own actions, yet for an abusive person that is something they are unlikely to do.
I don’t need my x husband to change his thought patterns or behaviours, although that would be good for him. I really don’t care how he chooses to live his life. However I won’t allow his unhealthy thinking to affect me! I won’t be contacted and blamed for rubbish 9 years on. I don’t need this in my life and so I blocked the messages.
You can’t force someone to be kind, to stop being abusive but you can refuse to accept the blame when the blame for emotional abuse is placed on your doorstep.
Walk away and say…
I AM NOT TO BLAME
Sarah Bailey says
I’m so sorry you went through this and that your ex-husband is still trying to put blame on you for his failings. This is definitely a form of emotional abuse and you don’t have to put up with it. You were right to block his messages and I’m glad that you recognize that this is not your issue, it is all on him.
Thanks sarah for the support. I appreciate your comments,
Ana De-Jesus says
Can the court not file a restraining order against him? He should not be allowed to contact you and make you feel this way, it is shocking. It hurts to know that he is trying to blame you for his own mistakes and it is not on!
We did have one but after 9 years it ended. Luckily we are in other countries but I still get emails… the good thing is I can save them as evidence of what is going on.
You sound like you’ve become so much stronger, being out of that relationship! Well done. It’s a valuable story to share that not all abusive relationships are physically abusive.
I sure have and it’s easier to deal with now but i didn’t need this and writing about t can help me and others.
Carly Markham says
You are right. You are definitely not to blame for his poor choices in life. He gave you your amazing daughter and you have raised her without his help. You owe him nothing and he sounds nothing but pathetic.
Exactly. I am grateful for my child but I don’t owe anything and certainly don’t need nonsense. Sadly keeping my child out of it all and away from emotional rubbish has to be my priority and that means, no contact.
Refusing to take the blame is the right attitude to have. My friend is in an abusive relationship and she refuses to see it’s abusive. Her partner is often blaming her for things. Me and many people have told her to leave him and she won’t, keeps insisting “he’s a nice guy really”
thanks. I won’t accept this. This man has stable times and then unstable times. When he is in a relationsihp he is happy (as he is co-dependent). wHen he is out of a relationship he can’t cope and becomes needy, manipulative and sulky like a child and that’s when the abuse and blaming returns.
Leah LS says
I have experienced this and seen this amongst friends relationships and it’s so hard to describe how you don’t realise how easy it is to be blamed and also when you’re feeling awful to accept it’s your fault. x
It’s true. When your stuck in the heat of it it can be so hard to see through the fog of emotional abuse and even harder to leave.
I too was in an abusive marriage when I was young. I can so relate to your post and my heart hurts for your experience. I remember all of the things he said were my fault. The problem is when you hear it day in and day out a little piece of you begins to wonder “Maybe he’s right” I hope women in similar circumstances will have the courage to leave early on. They’ll save themselves from so many years of turmoil
I’m glad i had the courage to leave
I am hearing stories about cheating from my friends and I guess, blaming you about your husband’s wrongdoing is not right. Every actions he does is his own decision.
Yes. We are accountable for our own actions.
Wow sorry you have had to go through such a difficult experience. I am glad you are stronger now. Hopefully sharing your story will help others in that kind of situation.
Hopefully this can help others.
Rhian Westbury says
I am so glad you left this relationship as no one deserves to be treated like that and not appreciated x
Me too. It was best for me and my child.
Stephanie Merry says
I complete agree with you. People are never to blame for other people’s actions x
I am so sorry that you have been through this. But you seem like an incredibly strong person.
Thanks. It’s made me stronger.
MELANIE EDJOURIAN says
My goodness what an awful position to be in. Abusers in these sorts of situations have a warped sense of right and wrong and everyone else is to blame for all the negativity in their lives. I’m pleased you got out of that relationship and personally I would avoid any form of contact whatsoever, by upsetting you it also affects your daughter too, cut him loose and live your life x
They sure do. I have completely blocked him now and won’t be hearing any more hopefully for a long time.
It sounds like you have had a tough time, but stayed strong and worked through it. To a point where you have been able to write an emotional yet informative article which will help others in or who have been in a similar situation x
Thanks. If I can used the past to help others then it’s a silver lining!
This is so selfish on him to put the blame on you and continuously appear in your life when his falls apart. He is actually the only one to blame, as we are only responsible for our own actions. He is responsible for his life, not you, not what you’ve been through together, not your life together as it lasted.
Agreed. Thanks Joanna.
Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes says
So sorry to hear what you have been through, good for you for speaking up…you are definitely not to blame!
Thanks Jemma. It is important to speak out and I will continue to do so.
Its so awful that you had to experience this. Good on you for speaking out because you could help someone else to walk away who is in a similar situation xxx
It is a bad situation but writing about this can help others.
Do you ever wonder if these people blame you to try and convince themselves that they aren’t a bad person? That’s just a theory I have because surely if it was you, you would know that behavior like that isn’t ok.
Well done for speaking out. An abuser will often blame their victim, but it is never the victim’s fault. Never.
Thanks 🙂 iT IS IMPORTANT TO DO SO FROM TIME TO TIME.