Understanding The different types of Abuse
Manipulation Is Abuse
A victim of manipulation is made to feel, guilty, obliged and often does what is demanded out of guilt or fear of punishment. Partners of manipulative sharks may receive punishment for normal behaviour, excessive demands, unwanted displays of affection, the silent treatment and the withholding of affection and care.
A manipulative partner may use emotionally manipulative speech or emotional blackmail to guilt trip a partner into doing anything they want. Phrases such as “you don’t love me”, “you don’t care”, “if you gave a dam, you would do what I asked”, and “you never do anything for me”, are often used to make a partner feel guilty and obliged to do the will of their partner. In such a situation, the statement is not usually the truth, but is said enough times, that the partner on the receiving end feels they have to do what is wanted.
This form of manipulation was ever present during my second marriage. It was constantly expected and demanded that I did whatever my mother in law wanted. This included taking out loans to give my mother in law money and following her every command. I was expected to drop whatever I was doing when she needed something, including sponsoring overseas family members to live in my country, support them and provide accommodation. I had to buy food for my mother in law, pay for her to get her hair done and buy her new clothes. All thus while I had a new born and was struggling to pay for nappies.
As unfair and ridiculous the demands were upon me, my x husband and his mother used manipulative techniques to make me do what they wanted. I was regularly told I didn’t love the family, I didn’t love my husband and I didn’t care. I was told I was the ‘devils’ wife and a bad daughter in law and that everyone in the family thought I was a whore. It wasn’t true but sure made me feel rubbish about myself and upset.
I was told untruths such as I did not respect my in laws and that a ‘good’ wife would obey her husband. Such emotional words confused and upset me. If I contended, I would get silent treatment, verbal and physical abuse. If I said nothing and obeyed, I would get approval and acceptance. However at the same time I would feel extremely upset, unwell, stressed, confused, sad and anxious.
Another manipulative technique used by Sharks in abusive relationships is emotional threats and punishments. When a partner says something along the lines of, “If you don’t…. Then I won’t”. The requests are unreasonable and unfair yet again the partner feels they have to do as they are told in order to protect themselves from the consequences of disobedience.
The following are some examples of manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail and threats.
If you don’t sleep with me tonight… Then I’m going to go out and leave you on your own
If you don’t cook my meal right now then I won’t talk to you
If you don’t get off the phone, I will smash it up
If you don’t put makeup on and wear that outfit, then I’ll go out without you
If you don’t lose weight then I’ll find someone slimmer
If you don’t do what I say, then I’ll not take you to the appointment and you can walk
My x mother in law, who I will refer to as the Queen of the Sharks, was indeed a queen manipulator. She was living in my home, living off me and my husband like a parasite, constantly attacking my wellbeing and soul.
Whenever I went out in my car, my mother in law would become angry because she wanted to use it. Despite the fact she had no licence and it was not insured for her she still expected this whenever she wanted. Often we would get into arguments over my car and my mother in law would make threats.
The Queen of Sharks would say, “I’m leaving and I’m going to live on the street”. She threatened to run away saying “you don’t love me’’ and ‘you don’t care if I lie on the road and die”. She tried every trick on the book to get her own way. She would run outside in the middle of the night and my husband would go chasing after her in his dressing gown, returning only to be angry with me blaming and saying, “Look what you’ve done to my mum”.
The queen of the sharks often used illness as a way of getting what she wanted. When I said no to giving her money or paying for jewellery, she would go lie down on the bed and fake a headache or heart palpitations to get my husband’s attention and make out I’d made her unwell.
Once again the blame would be placed on me for upsetting her and affecting her heart by not doing what she wanted. The sad thing is that abusive sharks learn from other abusive sharks and in the case of my x husband had only learnt what his mother had taught him and she had clearly learnt this from somewhere too.
Well things have been interesting. I decided to ask the Queen Shark to leave my home because she is being abusive to me in front of my baby. I told her she has two weeks but she went crazy with me. She called me a slut and a whore and accused me of sleeping with heaps of men which is not true. She accused me of stealing money which again was a lie. She has no income. How can I steal her money?
She told me that her family hate me and think I’m a bad wife. She said that Shark should get another wife but not get another mother. She always says that to me. She says I don’t respect her and said she was going to go sleep on the road. She ran outside and pretended to collapse on the road. She began calling her sons, saying she was having a heart attack.
I said she was making it up but my brother in law seriously believed his mum. He turned on me trying to attack me. My husband tried to stop him. They got into a fight and my pregnant sister in law got pushed to the ground. Then she had a miscarriage. Queen shark forgetting she was apparently unwell, jumped up trying to stop her sons fighting. She told my husband, he was not her son anymore.
I rang the police and they got into the car rushing off to the hospital with my sister in law. I can’t stand my mother in law. She always gives me the silent treatment and ignores my baby when she is mad at me. Her demands, her emotional and verbal abuse is too much. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I wish shark was on my side but he is angry with me and says if I didn’t his Mother to leave, this would not have happened. I say if she wasn’t abusive I wouldn’t have to ask get to leave. Yet again I am expected to sit here and allow this woman to abuse me.
Sharks who are extremely manipulative may attempt to sabotage the life of their partner.
This can be extremely malicious and nasty. Examples can include, getting a partner into trouble with their employer, playing music all night long in order to prevent a partner sleeping or pouring spices and flavours into a meal to sabotage you’re cooking. The mother of sharks would make me pay for her hair to be washed and styled and then brush it out when we got home saying she did not like it. Such behaviours are attacks on the power of another and an attempt to gain more control.
So what might be some warning signs to look out for when dating?
To begin with, a red flag or warning sign of a manipulative partner may be someone who is constantly seeking attention. An example is someone who wants constant attention and becomes mysteriously unwell when you are about to go out with your mates. Also the manipulative Shark is the boyfriend or girlfriend who may create situations or reasons for you to come see them at the most inconvenient of times. They may have others who could help them but will make out that no one else who cares enough about them to help and claim that you are the only person in the universe who can help.
When dating the manipulative partner may hang up on you and act like the victim. They may even threat to commit suicide. At the end of the day a manipulative shark will always turn a situation around, stating that they are a victim when in reality this is far from the truth.