Feeling Like A Bad Mother When It’s Not True
Today has been a difficult day for me and I’ve just have not felt like I’m a good enough mum. In fact I’ve recently felt like a bad mother and I know it’s not true, yet I continue to feel that way.
I really don’t like this feeling and have been quite anxious about my daughter’s future. It’s quite upsetting but I guess it has a lot to do with my health.
I guess the negative thoughts and worries that I have stem from a conversation I had.
Someone said that maybe my daughter would have better teenage years living in another location. They were not suggesting we separate but rather that my family moved to a better area with better support and opportunities.
This is something we are planning for our long term future and the thing is I agree that it would be better to move eventually but we are here for now and life is not perfect.
I don’t love our location and I know my daughter would have a better life if we lived elsewhere. The village is nice and I have a few friends that I chat to online but I do feel quite isolated in the area we live as far as family is concerned.
Anxiety Strikes Again
So the conversation I had must have triggered my anxiety as it got me worrying all week, all weekend and into the nights. I’ve struggled to think about anything else. It’s been exhausting and I am shattered.
I’ve thought about my daughter’s life and felt bad and guilty that we don’t live near family.
I know living near family is so much better and that family support and the unconditional love you get from family is not available where we live.
So I began to feel guilty and started to feel like a bad mum.
I know we can’t move away, not while Sylvia is in her final year of primary school.
John and I agreed to stay where we are for now to allow my daughter to complete her final year of primary school but I feel guilty knowing that it’s another year away from family.
Moving Closer To Family
I feel that if we were near family, maybe cousins or those closest to me then Sylvia would have people around her to keep her company when I am sick. I hate it that my daughter is a single child and has to keep herself occupied a lot of the time on her own. It breaks my heart and I know it would be so much nicer for her if she had her cousins around or her grandma or aunty.
Yet moving away would be such a huge decision. We currently have all we need, a stable home which is furnished and we have the material things we need but these things are not as important to me as the family and friendships my daughter is missing out on.
I feel heartbroken and today I cried because I felt like my daughter has grown up not knowing what it’s like to have her family around her the way I did. I feel she has missed out on so much in terms of relationships and bonds and family traditions. My thoughts made me cry and I really felt guilty that Sylvia has not had these things.
Yet moving is such a huge thing for anyone, never mind when your sick and chronically unwell. It involves a lot of planning, money and energy and these are things I simply don’t have right now.
Option One: Stay Put
We have two options for the future, well three actually. We could stay where we are. If we did so, life would not be much different. We would not really progress in terms of family and friendships and I’m not sure I always want life to be like this.
The second option would be to return to Yorkshire where I have more friends and support and where I feel loved and cared for. Yorkshire would be great but it’s still limited in terms of close family members. However I do think it would be better than being in Lancashire with no family at all.
I have some close friends in Yorkshire, yet moving back would be a huge undertaking and I have no idea how we would find a rental willing to accept my family with dogs without a guarantor. It would certainly be a challenge. That’s for sure.
The third choice is to return to our homeland of New Zealand. My parents have space in their home enough for my family and would even be willing to have our dogs move in, yet that is a massive move.
New Zealand and the UK are worlds apart. Moving to New Zealand would solve the issue of family support. Sylvia would get what I want her to have emotionally, however getting there would be a huge challenge. It would involve applying for residency for my husband, saving tickets, saving for a shipping container and organising dog transportation which is a six month process.
New Zealand is an uncertain place for me. There may or may not be good health care and I would not know until after I arrived if the Endocrine teams there would accept my current medical treatment. We also would struggle financially.
Blogging And Earning A Living
I’d no longer be able to work as a UK blogger. I could still blog but things would certainly change.
Work may dry up and whilst I could still blog and earn ad revenue, the lifestyle work, reviews and sponsored content may disappear. Moving to live with family would seriously affect the future of this blog causing more uncertainty regarding income and funding my medication.
New Zealand would be wonderful for my child. I know it, yet we would be starting over not only with our living situation but also with my health care and that is scary.
Yet at the same time, maybe family support is exactly what we need and maybe we should take a leap of faith in a year or two.
Either way, my thoughts have been swirling around as they do and I ended up feeling bad. I feel bad that I’m not giving my child the life I had hoped to due to my health. I feel bad because I am anxious about the future.
Feeling Like A Bad Mother
I feel bad because I can’t even decide what to do and know that my anxiety is causing me to overthink everything and worry constantly. This in turn is stopping me from doing the things I need to do and I feel paralysed and brain fogged, unable to think and work out what to do.
You’d think it was simple and easy but all the decisions about the future are so difficult for me. Any choice will have a dramatic impact on my child’s emotional health, on relationships, friendships, on future healthcare, on finances and even on my blogging status.
It’s just so hard right now to work things out and I simply can’t. I think of one solution and then a week or so later change my mind and I go from one senario to another and still don’t know what is best. It’s so hard and the more I think about it, the more it drives me crazy.
I know I am not a bad mum but I do feel like one and I guess my anxieties and irrational thinking or inability to decide what to do in the future just makes me feel bad. I’ll just try not to stress out, even though the reality is it really is making life difficult right now.