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Accepting My Limitations With Chronic Illness
Something which is a constant battle and a struggle for me is accepting the limitations that chronic illness places on my life. My health fluctuates from hour to hour, day to day and whilst I am in a better place than I was a few years ago I continue to find myself frustrated due to the limitations or disabilities that I have.
Having a chronic illness really does affect you in every aspect of your life. I think for me the most obvious and frustrating part of suffering day in day out is the limits on my ability to do the things most people take for granted when well.
I have not been out of the home besides medical appointments, a drive to see my parents and a family christening in over a month. It’s frustrating. I have been too exhausted and simply don’t have the energy due to my Adrenal Insufficiency. I feel like my social butterfly wings have been clipped.
Last year I managed to travel to London to see my Doctor and spend a few days out of the home but I rested during the day in between the appointments, my trip to the toy store and visit to Les Miserables. It was an amazing experience but I’ve not been able to get out to do much since.
Being so tired has really impacted on my ability to exercise. I was doing the shortest of walks but when my Iron levels went downhill about 6 months ago I’ve simply not been able to do anything. I sleep a lot in the day and have regained almost 20 lbs in weight which is quite a unhappy feeling.
Being Unwell All The Time
Being unwell has meant I have had to turn down some fantastic opportunities as a blogger. My daughter and I was asked to visit the Bafta’s in London and work with Disney. We could not do it. I was too unwell. I was also invited to dinner with Google and again I had to say no.
If I did not have adrenal insufficiency and other conditions I would most likely still be a school teacher but I am not well enough to work and teach so I blog. Blogging is something I fit around the illness and works really well for me, however I still feel frustrated because I simply cant do what I want to do. I do not have the headspace or energy or strength.
I feel frustrated. My main priority is my child and I will always put her first. I’d love to have more abilities as a mother and a blogger and an individual but I have limits and accepting them is no easy thing.
People comment how I am really positive and I have to admit I really do try to be. I try to look at the silver lining and look for the rainbow through the clouds. I try so hard to be happy but somedays I break and I cry and I feel sad. I don’t often write about these moments. I guess because I’m trying to promote happiness and speak out about living with illness and finding ways to cope but the reality is I’ve really found the past few months incredibly tough.
People say to me, but you write a blog and do so much. How can you do that when your sick? It must not be that bad. People tell me when they see me that I look really well. I may look great and that’s a good thing but of late I have been feeling like the living dead. I have no reserves and no strength.
The one thing I can do is write and share on social media. I can do that without having to think too hard. I don’t understand it but the neurologist I saw last year said writing and creating graphics is something that is not difficult for my brain as I’m so used to doing it. Whereas physical tasks or things I really have to concentrate or focus on are a whole different ball game.
I have had a VA, a virtual assistant for my blog for over 8 months now and without her I would not have been able to do all I have done and achieved all I have achieved. It costs money but I see it as an investment for the long term. I also get great help from my husband when it comes to photography, housework, meals and picking up our daughter.
Missing Out On Things Due To Chronic Illness
I have of late missed out on many things yet again but I am doing my best. I ensured my daughter had a fab birthday and have been collaborating with brands to make the home beautiful and these things have made me really happy. I feel I can’t compete with some bloggers. I don’t have the same abilities. I am trying not to measure my success by comparison to others but to measure my success based on how far I have come as a mother with illness who has been through many trials.
The key to happiness is making sure I use the correct measuring stick and learning to live with my limitations. I will try really hard to do my best in my circumstances. I am frustrated and hope my appointment with the haematologist and endocrinologist in the coming month will help me to improve my health a little further.
This is not a negative post but me being truthful about how I feel and how things really are at the moment. It’s a little depressing but I will get through this rough patch and keep fighting for the things I have to fight for.
I am grateful for a loving husband and daughter, for my lovely dogs who are loyal companions and keep me sane when everyone else is out. I am grateful for my online friends who also keep me sane. I do wish I could get out more and that I could have friends pop over more but the reality is chronic illness equals big time inconsistency and makes it very hard.
So this week in the midst of difficulties and clouds of doubt, amongst the shadows of frustration and tears of sadness I will do my best to focus on the good, focus on the blessings in my life and the wonderful people who I love and love me back. I will focus on what can be achieved rather than what can not and consider the glass to be half full rather than half empty.
Accepting my limitations is not easy to do but I will do the best I can to come to terms with the way things currently are and do my best to live this way despite my inner yearnings for things to be different.