Not Coping Unless I Write

 

Right now I’m not coping. It’s true. I am not coping. Not at all. In fact I am sitting in bed wired and unable to sleep but in pain and feeling so so sick and I just need to type about it because writing how I feel strangely enough is my only coping mechanism when I am so sick. 

I’ve had a few rough days which I’ve written about, had pain in my teeth, a major fall and have injured my knee and ankle. It’s been painful but the hardest part is how it’s affected my cortisol levels. 

Having adrenal insufficiency my daily health can change from hour to hour and my cortisol needs change with it. When I am too low I begin to suffer symptoms which I have been suffering today. They sneak up on me. I begin to feel anxious and stressed out and can’t think straight and eventually I figure out I’ve become low in cortisol and have to do something about it…. ie take more meds. 

So I started to feel really unwell about 6pm and over the past 5 hours things have slowly gotten worse until I recognised the pain in my body, the stabbing pains and then started to have the more major symptoms of running to the bathroom and wanting to puke alongside other gross symptoms. 

So I had emergency medication and after an hour my symptoms have begun to calm down, however I am wiped out. I feel exhausted but wide awake and the adrenaline is pumping. I can’t just lay there after I have emergency medication. My body needs to recover and rest but my mind is going at 100 miles per hour so staying still in bed but typing as I cannot sleep is the ideal solution to be honest. 

I am on a triple dose of medication at the moment yet still something happened tonight to cause my levels to drop even further and it really felt awful. I know I will be awake all night long now and then need to recover for a few days after and I’m hoping things improve but who knows. 

I do need to go to hospital and have an x-ray on my foot but have just felt too unwell to go. I also have a hospital appointment on Thursday, (yep another one) and so I’m hoping to build my strength up for that. 

Despite being this sick, I did accomplish a few things today. I emptied my inbox and helped Sylvia to complete her homework project which we were planning to do on the weekend. I managed to do that one important task so I am pleased. I feel bad that I wasn’t able to cook for Sylvia tonight. She had a jacket potato thanks to John’s cooking skills and was quite happy with that. 

I had a sandwich but unfortunately it did not stay in my body too long. So what do I do now? I keep on writing and saying how I feel, It distracts me from the negative thoughts which are, 

“I can’t cope”

“I’m in pain”

“I feel sick”

“I need to do something”

“I need to clean the house”

“My Instagram sucks, I need to make a better plan”

Yep…when I get unwell I get all sorts of negative thoughts in my brain and I have to just push them away.

Right now I am speaking how it is and whilst I am so so sick, it’s when the genius of my brain just blurbs out a whole lot of thoughts and when I write it down it strangely comforts me. So that is what I have done. I have shared my thoughts this cold and crusty night and how I feel. 

I am hoping I can get my cortisol levels stable and that I can get my pain dealt with better. I need to see a Doctor to get more pain meds as they run out soon. Too much to think about and not enough time. 

Well, I’ll add it to the huge ever growing list and work on it at some point. Until then, I will share this post and maybe try to write some more thoughts down as I can write my thoughts but I can not concentrate to make plans, or physically do anything.

I can simply blurt things out with my typing fingers. I can’t even enjoy tv or music, it gives me a headache but somehow I can write. It is so strange but I’m done. I’ve shared my thoughts and hope it’s interesting, or useful or just pure entertainment for someone as I need a silver lining to all I am going through right now. 

Angela x