Speaking Out - Pockets Of Inspiration

No Longer A Shape Shifter

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Growing up I was a shape shifter. What the heck does that mean? Well I’m about to explain.

I grew up in a loving home but suffered a lot at school due to regular bullying from both students and sadly at times from teachers.

The negative experiences at school from around age 6 to 14, seriously effected my self esteem and self worth to the point I learnt to shape shift, to do and be what I thought others wanted me to be.

I took on interests that were not my own to please others and get their approval.

No Longer A Shape Shifter

I’m sure that’s why I became awesome at football. My dad loves football (soccer in the USA and New Zealand) and in my tween mind I must have incorrectly believed that I could get my dad’s approval by becoming a football player.

The funny thing is I already had my dads approval and love…. I just didn’t know it.

I became an amazing football player and eventually played for the premier teams throughout my high school years.

Growing up I did many things in an effort to please my dad. I chopped wood and sold it on the street, collected aluminium cans to earn money, helped dad to deliver papers at 2am in the morning (on the weekend) and I even did woodwork at school thinking it would make dad proud.

Taking on interests to please my dad was a learnt behaviour and one which I didn’t even realise I was doing. He had no idea and probably still doesn’t!

As the years went on, I continued to shape shift to please people (especially men) and to ultimately feel self validation and approval.

There are so many ways in which I did this that I never truly figured out what I loved or wanted to be or who I really was.

This of course made things very difficult as a young adult. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to study. I studied a year of Law School as well as studying the Tongan language during my first year of University.

I wanted to impress my boyfriend who I regrettably went on to marry but I wasn’t being true to myself. A lot of the things  I did was for his approval!

In my second year I switched Universities and began studying physiotherapy. Again I wasn’t doing it for me but was studying what my boyfriend/ future husband wanted me to study.

It wasn’t until I left my first husband that I completed my Bachelor of Arts in Education and then my post graduate diploma in Teaching.

ang 2005 graduation

Yet again, I wasn’t exactly doing this for me. I was studying something that I thought would be a good option when I became a Mother.

I studied early years education as I knew I’d be able to take any future kids to work with me.

I worked as an Early years teacher and then as a Head teacher before my daughter was born, however once Sylvia came along I made the decision to be a stay at home mum, at least until she was in full time school.

Being a shape shifter by default or unknowingly I learnt to take on the interests of others as my own rather than work out my own interests.

By the time I was a single Mother I didn’t have a clue who I was, what I loved or what I wanted with my life.

It’s taken ten years to slowly unravel  my past and work out who I truly am and what I really want.

The one thing I never planned on was to become a lifestyle blogger, however this has naturally allowed me to try out many new things and find out who on earth I am and what my true interests are.

I feel like an Onion. I have so many layers and I’m still peeling them all back and discovering what’s underneath.

onion layers

It’s a crazy process but I’m slowly getting there, losing the qualities, interests and traits I took on to please others and slowly becoming the real me!

It’s hard. I have chronic illness now and my life is severely limited. I often feel sad about this but I keep on trying my best to make the most of life and I continue to learn and grow and work with the life I have.

I’m figuring out who I really am and what I really love. Last year was an interesting year. As much as I was unwell, I was able to learn so much about myself.

Some people will think I’ve changed and to them I may have but to me I’m just shedding the onion layers I don’t need anymore.

I’m no longer interested in football. Yes I’m a great football player and if I was well enough I might even play from time to time but I have zero interest in watching football except for the World Cup tournaments. I do find the World Cup games exciting.

When it comes to sports the one sport I really do like and would play if I was well enough is Badminton and as I’ve never really told anyone before no one would have guessed.

I do not like hiking or running but I love to walk and I’m hoping in future I can begin walking just small distances once more.

Another interest which I’ve had which I no longer care for is scrapbooking. I once did this but have zero interest in it any more. The same goes for sewing and baking. I currently have no interest in this.

I really enjoyed painting rock stones for the past two years but recently I realised I am no longer interested in that activity and I’ve lost any passion I had for it. I’ll do more in future but need a break. 

rock stones

One thing I am interested in at the moment is decluttering my home  and being frugal. I am interested in budgeting  and saving money. I’m interested in meal planning, frozen food prep and nutrition.

I’m also very interested in cooking with my Instant Pot which I am currently quite excited about.

Another passion I am developing for me is an interest in essential oils. If I could go back to uni I would go study a Bachelor Of Science in alternative therapies (aromatherapy) as I am finding this subject fascinating!

The things I want to learn about and during this new season of my life are things I’ve never before discovered but now I have I am excited about them.

I love blogging and as my interests have changed over the years, so too have my blog categories and the things I write about.

Whilst I love crafts and fun ideas for kids, I’m going to be cutting back on this kind of blog content.

I’ll will still share great craft ideas but not quite as regular as I once did.

The reality is I have changed and my child is a tween. Tweens have very different interests to younger kids.

My blog reflects our lives and the stages we are at. My focus was once having fun with kids, toys and crafts. However as a Mother I’m at a stage where I am learning much more about children and emotions.

I’m discovering new things. Sylvia and I are enjoying cooking together when I’m well enough. We are still enjoying clothes and fashion (that hasn’t changed) and my daughter has a growing interest in beauty and hair at the moment.

I’m becoming more passionate about essential oils and Sylvia and I have been learning together all about the properties and benefits of different oils.

I’m learning about the benefits of massage, how different smells and oils can help with feelings and emotions and it’s something we are experimenting with to help compliment our personal health.

I’m kind of excited to start a new chapter in my life and I know this will be reflected in the things I cover on my blog over the coming months and year.

I’m looking forward to sharing my instant pot recipes and instant pot tips.

I’m excited to learn more about essential oils and to share what I learn and how they benefit different areas of my own health.

how to make massage oil with doterra essential oils

I’m looking forward to sharing more of my thoughts on life and on how to deal with the tween years, which is something I’m currently learning a lot about.

My focus for so long was helping my daughter have fun and be happy. I still want her to have fun but the challenges are changing.

The tween years are different and both mine and Sylvia’s interests are changing.

I’m no longer a shape shifter and as my life, experiences and interests change so too will my blog content and that’s how it will be for me.

Being true to myself is what I will be.  And if that means changing up what I write about, evolving and even cutting back so I can be a better mum and focus better then that’s what I will do! 

Angela x

4 Comments

  1. It has been an awesome experience to watch you break free of your shell, so to speak, and allow the real you to show. I enjoy your social media and blog posts much more than before as there is more “meat” to them. Flavor. Richness. Because you are no longer in hiding but emerging. I love it!!! And I still pray and believe that soon we’ll be able to say chronic health. That the only thing which will remain from the years of chronic illness are the medical records. Jesus is that good and I believe that like the real, beautiful you is beginning to break forth so is your health and healing. 🤗 The best is yet to come.

  2. I can identify with this to a certain extent, people pleasing is so easy to do and so destructive to our own mental health. I’m so pleased you are discovering who you are now and what you enjoy just fo yourself.

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