I want to break free!
Have you heard that song before? I’m sure you have! I certainly have and the words I want to break free have been going around and around in my head all day.
So what am I talking about? Anxiety!
The reality is I have been struggling with anxiety quite a lot this year and it’s something that I really do want to overcome or at least find a way to break through.
I’m struggling with worries, lots of worries. I worry far too much about things, from how tidy and clean the home is to what content I am going to place here on the blog. You name it, I worry about it.
I can’t stop worrying
As much as I want to stop worrying about things, I can’t seem to get it in to check. My husband gave me a nickname, I’m his “little stress head”. It’s not a mean name but the truth is something I don’t mind him saying.
I do stress over so many things so much that it affects my thoughts, behaviour and actions. That is frustrating as I know it is happening but I still struggle on a daily basis.
Just Get Over It!
I have been told by someone to just stop worrying and not stress over things. Whilst I’d love to do this, the reality is that when someone is suffering from anxiety it’s not as simple as saying, STOP!
You can’t tell someone with depression to snap out of it and likewise, you can’t tell someone, just stop feeling anxious! If it was that simple there would be no such thing as mental illness.
The reality is anxiety is getting the better of me each day and it is not good.
Treatment for anxiety
There are lots of ways to help someone with anxiety and I think the most important one is to have compassion and understanding.
People with anxiety can take medication and one really good treatment is talking therapies.
For myself, I am taking medication but it is not exactly doing the trick. It’s not working for me and there is clearly something not quite right.
I have to admit, I didn’t want to tell the world what I was going through but I think things have happened in the past six months that have just triggered me to struggle and it is an ongoing battle and I need some support.
Seeing My Doctor
I’m going to see my GP next week. I will discuss the struggle I am having and seek some support. I have been referred for counselling a number of times but every time it’s not gone ahead. I’m going to really push for the help this time. There is always a big waiting list and you have to answer loads of questions over the phone and then fill out forms and it’s a stressful process to even access support. However, I will try to get it this time around.
Nightmares And PTSD
I have been having some terrible nightmares and flashbacks recently. I’m not sure what has triggered it. It may be the fact I am returning to New Zealand to visit my parents and sister and New Zealand is the country where I suffered a lot of abuse during my previous marriage.
I had a nightmare last night that my x husband was trying to kill me with a gun. He was chasing me around the streets and it was horrific. I woke up sweating and feeling so upset. I was relieved to know it wasn’t really happening but the memories of my past often haunt my dreams.
My first husband did own a gun. It was not legal and I remember innocently taking it to the city to return it to him when we split. I was so naive, I didn’t even realise that having the gun in my bag was breaking the law.
My 36-year-old, self is saying, how the heck did you not know Angela? I just didn’t. If it were to happen today I would have handed it into the police but things were different back then and I was stuck in an abusive marriage, controlled and not always able to make the right decisions and choices.
Bad Dreams Continue
And so my bad dreams continue, I am haunted and things happen in my sleep which I do not like. I had counselling for two years back in 2013-2015 but I really think I need some more.
When I am stressed and anxious, it makes my health worse and I don’t need that! Also, it makes it so hard to complete certain tasks and I get frustrated.
For now, I will just try and focus my mind on the good and the happy parts of life but I do need to talk to someone and so I am starting by talking here on the blog. I am not ashamed of feeling anxious, it is a reality and my reality.
However, I do want to break free!