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As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think I am suffering a little from depression. Depression at Christmas time is not something you really want to have, heck no one ever wants to feel depressed but sometimes it hits you and there is not much you can do to stop it. 

I’ve had anxiety for a long time and I manage it well but I’ve never really felt depressed. However over the past few months things began to change and I’m not sure why. It began on my return from New Zealand. I was incredibly unwell and spent time in hospital. I ended up having a major infection and minor surgery followed by 8 weeks of regular dressing changes along with several viruses and colds. 

I think the visits to the doctors surgery and recovering from illness took all my energy and drained me. I couldn’t do what I used to do and have felt very frustrated. I’ve not been able to blog how I used to. In fact over the past few months, I have recycled some old content and re-shared a lot of crafts and recipes to compensate my inability to type and write the posts I would have liked. 

I simply couldn’t do it. I still can’t and I don’t know how I am managing to write this post but I am pretty much forcing myself to do something. 

I miss my family in New Zealand so much and I just feel tired so much. I’m in pain in my body and get dizzy a lot due to my health conditions. It’s just not been fun. I felt really sad that I’m not giving my daughter a “normal” Christmas this year. John had a flu type virus this past week and so Sylvia has missed out on lots of opportunities to celebrate the Christmas season, leaving me feeling guilty as her mum. 

Seriously, I wish I had been well enough to attend the Church Christmas party and see my daughter having fun. It would have been nice to go out and eat Christmas party food. I wish I could have attended church and watched my daughter play her role as an angel in her final nativity. I missed it and Sylvia was so disappointed. It makes me want to cry as I feel like a bad mum. Yet I know I’m not a bad mum, I’m just a sick mum with chronic illness but it still makes me feel sad. 

I want to go Christmas shopping like I did in the past, pop on a Christmas outfit, visit friends, bake cookies and do secret Santa’s but I barley have the energy to get out of bed and make food for the family. I guess I just have to accept it won’t happen this year. 

To be honest, the only good thing about not getting out of the house is that I’ve not caught everyones bugs and become even more ill. When I do get a virus it hits me hard and takes a long time to recover. 

Yet still, it’s not an easy time of the year to feel unwell and sick and that’s making me feel a little down in the dumps. The one thing I am going to do this year is visit my grandma next Saturday. It will take all my energy to do so but grandma is on her own and I promised we would visit her for Christmas. She’s alone this year and we want to see her. 

Apart from that I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. I can’t think straight half the time. I haven’t got the energy to go on social media. I’ve not been on twitter for a month. I’ve barely posted on Instagram since September and I’m paying a VA to keep my Pinterest account going as I simply can’t do it right now. 

I’m taking time out to just rest and do a few things as and when I can but I really feel like I can’t do much right now. I actually have three reviews to complete before Christmas and it just feels like a huge mountain as I can’t think straight to write them. 

I have a beanbag review and giveaway to complete and one craft product and a kids music system. I will do it and get through these one day at a time but it feels so difficult right now as I don’t have a clear mind and cannot focus or concentrate. 

Well, I’m off to bed to rest and I shall continue to try my best to get through the work I do need to do and then rest some more. I just need to take time out and as much as I don’t want to, I have to… This blog is not going anywhere even if I have to physically step back and take time out. 

It just has to happen.