Understanding The different types of Abuse
Billy The Bull-Sharker Abuse and Lies
A most common behaviour found in unhealthy and abusive relationships is the denying, minimising and shifting of blame from the abuser to the victim. This in itself is a form of psychological abuse as it results in ‘crazy making’ and negatively effects the mind of the victim.
Abusive partners may deny physical, sexual and emotional violence or minimise the effect of it on the partner. Such behaviour can lead the receiver of abuse to feel like they’re going crazy. The abuser will say things like, you’re making a big deal out of nothing, your lying, you can’t take a joke, you’re going crazy, your mental, no one’s abusing you, you did it to yourself or it’s your fault. This is not the case and is done in an effort to maintain the shift of balance and causes a relationship to remain unhealthy and maintain the abusive relationship.
Controlling, abusive partners will shift the responsibility for their actions to their partner saying that he or she caused it. The abusive partner will deny that their feelings originate from within themselves. Instead they blame their feelings and reactions on the behaviour of the victim. The abused partner may at first not believe they are to blame however over time he or she will begin to believe that they themselves have caused the abuse. They believe they are at fault and that they are responsible for their partner’s sense of wellbeing.
The following are examples of blame placing and the actual truth which is the reality of the situation.
You made me feel angry or I would not be angry if you didn’t
This is not truth! Anger comes from within. Anger is not a feeling. Anger is a behaviour that results from one’s own feelings. No matter what takes place within a relationship, whether the abusive partner is feeling upset, disappointed or frustrated. It is the abusive partner who chooses to feel this way and act on his or her feelings, become angry and act in an abusive manner. This is not anyone else’s fault. One can’t blame their actions on another. Individuals are responsible for making their own choices and they should own their actions.
You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask
Often an abusive partner will require unfair and unreasonable demands. For example telling their spouse not to talk to family members and expecting all the attention for them. So in truth when the spouse chooses to talk to family is this really hurting the abusive spouse? No it is not! The reality or truth of this situation is that the abusive partner may has low self-esteem and is seeking power and control. This again stems from within and is based on the insecurities of the abuser not the partner.
I cannot help feeling mad, upset, when you act that way
As a married woman I was constantly in a power struggle over my body size and weight. My partner wanted me to look like a super model and be a skinny size 8. I had never been that size. I didn’t want to be that size and was happy with my body weight. The shark did all he could to control my weight. He forced me to go walking, controlled my shopping. He got angry and violent when I ate something unhealthy, made threats, intimidated me and called me a disgusting animal. Shark said he could not love fat women and even blamed adultery on the fact I was too fat.
So what was the truth in this situation? Is a fat person unlovable? No!
Is refusing to exercise and eating a biscuit once in a whole reason enough to be abused? No!
The reality or truth of the matter yet again was the issues the shark had within himself and the need he had to control another. I was not to blame.
‘You make me happy’ when…. and you make me feel good about myself when you…
As a shark often bases their feelings on their partner’s actions, they may begin blaming a partner when they do not meet their immediate demands. Such an example may be, ‘You make me happy when you stay home with me’. If you go out I will be unhappy, it’s your fault if I abuse you for this. Once again this is untrue. One is entirely to blame if they choose to get angry and abuse when they can’t maintain control over a relationship and have their own way.
The blame for my Sharks behaviour was regularly placed upon me during the course of my abusive marriage and although I often fought against this I eventually developed false beliefs about myself which I have had to challenge and unravel in order to move on from the shark infested water I was drowning in.
The more a partner is blamed, the lower their self-esteem becomes. As the abuser places blame, the innocent partner becomes more believing that they are to blame, that everything they do is wrong.
They develop the ‘permission complex’ doing all they can do’ to keep the inner shark happy. The victim constantly apologises and ever increasingly lives in fear of awakening the attacking nature of their partner.