Growing up I was taught to love myself. I was always a little bigger than my sister. It didn’t bother me. We still fitted into each other’s clothes and I remember adults telling me it was just puppy fat. I grew into a young woman and was a gorgeous and healthy size 14.
I was happy as a size 14. I was not as skinny as the popular A1 girls at school but I had muscle and was toned and fit for playing football, the sport of my choice. I kept fit and did my best to look good. Looking back I realise how gorgeous I was as a teenager. I was beautiful, but I didn’t feel it and I didn’t realise it. I thought I was fat.
As an adult, I grew in weight. I married and was unhappy. I became a size 18. I felt disgusting. I felt overweight and gross. I lost my self-esteem which worsened as I attempted to find clothes that would fit my now overweight body.
I managed to lose weight only to put it back on with pregnancy and motherhood. I did yo-yo in weight from month to month and year to year between a size 16 and 20. When I lost weight I felt good about myself. When I gained weight I felt miserable and unhappy.
It wasn’t until I developed Adrenal Insufficiency and went on daily steroids that I went massive and I mean massive. I ended up a size 24 to 26 and weighing in at my largest at 21.7 stone. I felt miserable and so unhappy and I tried to lose weight but it was very difficult.
Being overweight again lead me to feel ugly, fat and disgusting. I was not happy and so I attempted to lose weight. It really was not easy but in 2014 I went on a calorie-counting diet for a year. I managed to lose 15 pounds and then could not lose anymore. Eventually, after a year and a half having passed all criteria, I had a Gastric Bypass.
From my heaviest to now, six months after gastric bypass I have lost a total of 6 stone. I’ve been plateaued for 7 weeks now and despite following all the rules I have been given, I am not losing weight anymore.
So do I feel miserable because I’m stuck at a size 18? Should I feel ugly and fat and disgusting? The answer is no! I decided no matter what size I am I will always be beautiful because true beauty is on the inside.
I have a daughter and I want her to grow up knowing that weight and size do not determine self-worth. It’s good to be healthy and make healthy choices and I will keep trying to lose more weight and reduce my BMI further but I won’t let my size make me unhappy and miserable. I won’t allow the messages of society, those I see in the magazines and on the billboards determine how much I love myself.
I am much more than weight. I am kind and loving. I am caring and talented. I have a heart of gold and do my best to help those around me. I am a loving mother and wife and that is what I class a true beauty.
True beauty is on the inside, in the heart and I am determined to teach this to my daughter, that she is beautiful deep down and no matter how her body changes or grows, this won’t determine who she is or how much worth she has.
And with that I’ll end with this quote: